My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
