My sheets look like a crime scene.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
