I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
