I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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