just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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