it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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