just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
