Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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