dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
