once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize