I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
