this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
