Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
