sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
