Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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