just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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