Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
