I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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