Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
