Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
