I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
