I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
