Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
