i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
