Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
