my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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