Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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