i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
