what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
