I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
