i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
