i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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