you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
