I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
