I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
