There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
