Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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