if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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