He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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