I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
