Small penises have feelings too.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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