I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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