Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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