I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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