Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
