youre lurking in front of me
stop calling my apartment porn island.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
