Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
you're hired as official boob wrangler
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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