I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
