my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
