my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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