Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
