im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
