my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
