9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
