this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
