Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
