Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize