is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
