I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
